How to be a Self-Leader

Leadership is predominately looked at from the perspective of a company or 

a team but relatively rarely as self-leadership.The fact is that everyone is a self-leader to a lesser or greater degree.

From the moment we are born we exercise leadership by crying when we have some need like

hunger or thirst.We are wired to be self-leaders.

Have you ever witnessed a child asking a parent for an ice cream? In England they

still have the ice cream van playing some irritating tune over and over. A few years ago I witnessed a little boy running out onto the street shouting: “ it’s   the ice cream man “ over and over again until one of his parents came outside. He then asked, pleaded and begged for an ice cream until his parent’s relented!  He 

got what he wanted in the end. What a self-leader! The problem is that parents are often led by their children instead of being the leaders of their children.

The trouble is that as we grow older we become negative about our abilities. 

Most people get conditioned to believe that we can’t get what we want. 

We hear the word ‘no’ many more times than we hear the word ‘yes’ in our first 7 years.

This happens through our parents and other significant well-meaning people.They influence

us so that we lose our confidence and start to doubt ourselves. 

Interesting that Jewish children generally grow up with a better self-esteem than

other population groups.( Self-Esteem means how we feel about ourselves in all areas of

who we are.Can be called self-belief) This happens because their parents believe their children 

can do anything. In Germany during the late 1930s there were more professional people among the

Jewish population, per-capita, than any other population group.This of course made the Nazis mad!

In South Africa, Indian children are raised in a similar way to the Jewish people.Per-capita the Indian population make up more of the proffessional and successful business people in South Africa than any other population group.

   

Some people are born with more self-leadership than other people.Beginning when we are young we either lead ourselves or others lead us.However someone must lead us.So it is important to be self lead.Teenagers under peer pressure often get addicted to drugs, alcohol or some other addiction. They get led by someone else instead of being self-leaders and leading themselves.They allow someone else or something else to lead them to self-destruction. The Nazis during the 2nd world war are an outstanding example of people being led by evil people and then ending up in destruction.

The fact is that you can develope your self-leadership. Start by not following the crowd! Be a self-leader.

                                                                                                     

Stay tuned for the next blog coming soon

How to Handle Criticism

Nobody likes to be criticized. However we can grow in the process.

I don’t know about you but I want to grow. It is emotionally unintelligent not to listen Criticism is described as ‘fault-finding or reasoned analysis and assessment’ in the carefully to criticism.
Chambers 21^st century dictionary. Criticism is really just feedback about an aspect of
our lives. Either you can allow it to destroy you or you can use it to develop yourself.

We need to look at how we give criticism, as well as how we handle it.

Criticism is often motivated by anger. Resulting in the other person’s response being either one of defense or attack. One of the reasons why criticism is so distressing is that we are naturally inclined to view it as being negative, e.g. “He wants to put me down”

Although nobody likes to be criticized, you can grow in the process. If you are aware of how others perceive the things you do and how they feel about it, then you can change your behavior and become more effective.

First let’s look at how we treat ourselves. The person that you are most critical of is yourself. Is this true or false about you?

This is known as the “inner critic”. This is the worst critic you will ever encounter. This can have a devastating effect on your emotions and self-esteem. For example when you make a mistake, consider the tone of voice and the words you use when you talk to yourself. (Self-talk)  Do you say, "great, another learning experience of how not to do it!”. Or is it something more like, “you stupid idiot, you really messed up this time!”  Or “you see you never learn!” Just because you have a voice in your head does not mean you have to listen to it! It is the voice from the past. Our Father or Mother or a sibling or a teacher or someone who had influence or authority over us often live in our heads and continually criticize us. We allow them to stay rent free in our heads! You need to immediately evict them!

When you do something “wrong”. Let’s say you fail an exam. Don’t say, “You are so stupid!” Say instead, “It’s not like me to fail anymore. Obviously I didn’t study enough or study smart enough. I will do very well next time”. Apply this to all the areas that you are very critical of yourself. Don’t beat yourself up. There are enough people who will attempt to beat you up unjustly with their criticism! However remember you can learn from all types of criticism.

Criticism that comes from the outside.

 It is important that we change our perception regarding criticism. The goal of criticism is to develop you, educate you, motivate and improve you. It helps us to overcome our fear of criticism if we adopt an affirmation such as: “Constructive criticism helps to improve me and allows me to grow” Put this affirmation on a Post-it sticker where you can read it on a daily basis, to assist in conditioning yourself to believe in the power of constructive, positive criticism. Another good way to change negative perceptions regarding criticism is to ask a trusted friend from time to time: “How can I improve”?

How to receive criticism

We need to realize that criticism often contains valuable information which can help us. It is also important to accept responsibility for what has been said to us, rather than become defensive. Remember that, although the criticism may in fact be based on a misperception, the other person no doubt perceives it to be reality. We, therefore, need to first accept responsibility if we are to change the perception he or she has of the situation.

Receiving critism constructively requires that we:

1. Recognise that critism can be a learning experience on the way to building better relationships, whether in a marriage or within a work environment or other areas of your life.      

2. Remain calm. I know this is easier said than done! But it can be done if you train your mind. Maybe have a look at Neuro Linguistic Programming for this.

3. Listen first, and then speak.

4. Do not become defensive.

5. Show your willingness to change.

6. Apologize sincerely when you are wrong. (The emphasis being on sincerely).

The Johari’s window model will help us to see that if we disclose ourselves (make ourselves vulnerable) and receive feedback (criticism) then we will grow into the ‘hidden’ part of ourselves that contains immense potential. So criticism can only benefit us and help us grow into this untapped potential. 

Have a look at Ingham and Luft’s models below:

These models represent the different areas of your inner world.

The Open to the world area -self knows about this area and so does the world.

The Blind area - known to others and hidden to self.

The Unknown area - our  pure potential - as we disclose ourselves
and get feedback we are able to discover our limitless potential.

The Private area.Known to self but hidden from the world.

The more you ask people for constructive criticism - self- disclosure - in whatever area you want to improve in, the more you will grow into the unknown area.

If you receive feedback positively then you will grow as a person into your unknown potential and become a better person or improve in some area of your life.

Remember nobody has all the truth. At best we know only 10% (this is generous) of all reality!

Stayed tuned for the next blog

Have a look at my last blog on 'The Power of Forgiveness'

         

The Power of Forgiveness



Flying through the air to strike!



                                                                                         

Forgiveness is crucial for our physical, mental and spiritual health.

 At worst it eventually causes disease in our body. It has long been established that our bodies and minds and spirits are all interconnected. Whether we believe it or not. It is true.

Before we come to the ‘how’ of  forgiveness let us look at the anatomy of forgiveness.

When we are wronged in some way, it is like a snake bite. The snake bites,slithers away and forgets what has happened. Perpetrators of acts of violence whether physical or verbal soon forget about the victim. It is the victim who is left with the pain and the poison in their being.

The bite doesn’t kill us, the poison does. Let me explain.

The Puff Adder snake, (Bitis Arietans), kills more people in Africa than any other snake. Lack of forgiveness ‘kills’ more people in spirit & indirectly physically  than any other psychological barrier to our well being in the world.

Cm hollow fangs



Lunch!

                          

The reason the Puff Adder is so dangerous is that it is slow and muscular. No more than a meter long.It moves slowly when it feels the vibrations of  human feet on a path in the mountains or veld.It also has excellent camouflage. Because it can’t use speed to escape it has developed a very effective method of attack. It launches itself into the air in order to bite the victim with its centimeter hollow fangs .It never stalks humans. It only bites when threatened. The perpetrators of violence both physical and emotional are acting from their own pain all of the time.This doesn’t excuse what they do. Most of the time the perpetrator is unaware at best and at worst think they are doing the right thing in inflicting pain on a victim.

 



Slow!

 

Some people excuse their behavior  by quoting the stupid saying? ‘You have to be cruel to be kind’. What it is saying is that you can hurt someone else because the intention is to help the victim.However this is utter rubbish .

                                                         

Through various studies on serial killers they are now known to have little or no physical touch in the early and crucial years of their lives. This usually comes from the mother. The victims of serial killers are usually women. Deep down these men ‘hate’ women as a result of the lack of love from their mothers in particular.



He probably lost his finger! Maybe more!



The poison from a Puff Adder destroys blood cells and tissue almost immediately. Coming from South Africa I know someone who was bitten by a Puff Adder. He tells me that the bite was almost painless. But the poison injected caused him to lose his leg a year later. Most people do survive if they get the antiserum.

When we don’t forgive we allow the poison from the bite to ‘kill’ us emotionally and even physically. We can survive. But if we are to move from just surviving to becoming victors then we need to find the ‘antivenom’ as outlined below.

I know this from my own life. My father died when I was twelve. My mother found me difficult to handle so she handed me over to my brother. He was twenty eight years old, married with two small children. He was angry at my father’s death. He transferred this anger onto me. He beat me, humiliated me and almost destroyed my self-esteem. Somehow I was able to stand up and overcome the ‘bite’. I went into the South African defense force and vowed never to be at anyone’s mercy again. Through my life, outwardly I was successful but inside the poison ate away at me. I was filled with anger. I was unaware that my lack of forgiveness was holding me back from an abundant life. If only I knew then what I know now! For twenty years I never spoke to him. In those years I often thought of getting on a plane and going to my brother and beating the dickens out of him.

Then in November 2004 I was conducting a course for Volvo in his city of Port Elizabeth, South Africa. I phoned him and arranged to meet. We met. I told him in no uncertain manner what I thought of him and of the pain he had caused me. Do you know what he said? He said: ‘you are exaggerating and I was only trying to help you’ Oh yes, helping me by beating me and making me feel like a worm.

I got up from my chair with the intention of beating him to a pulp. We squared up to fight. Then I put my arms around him and said: ‘you know what Gary, I forgive you’. His pathetic response was: ‘you are so emotional aren’t you’?  I forgave him anyway. I actually felt sorry for him.He was so unaware and so unemotional. My spirit was free at last. We shared dinner and kept in contact. In December I got a call from his wife to say he had been diagnosed with a malignant tumor on the brain. Can you believe it? What timing! He died in February 2005!  

Now I can see that much positive has come out of that terrible personal experience. I have become more compassionate, especially towards those who have no defense and are hurt by others. I am a more sensitive and caring person as a result. My spiritual side grew immensely. I became strong as a man. This was especially helpful in the army where ‘wimps’ are victimized. At that moment I became a victor over my past circumstances.

A lady once stood up in one of my seminars and told us that she had been raped when she was young. For a long time she told us that she couldn’t forgive. That is understandable. Eventually she did forgive her attacker.At that moment she moved from being a victim to being a victor over her circumstances.

A young woman of 26 years old came to see me a few years ago. She had been raped when she was 16 years old. She became pregnant as a result and gave the baby up for adoption. She did all this without telling anyone, including her parents except medical staff. Somehow no one realized she was pregnant.

When she came to see me she had just seen her rapist in a night club for the first time since the rape. He even greeted her and was ‘flirty’ with her. She was disgusted. In a moment all the pain flooded back to her conscious mind. All the anger and bitterness. None of these emotions had ever left her. She had repressed them. However at a sub-conscious level they poisoned her spirit and caused her to hate all men. Now she wanted to get a ‘hit’ man to kill her rapist. Slowly but surely she was able to forgive.She is now in a happy long term relationship and living a full life as a victor over her horrific experience.

 In the build-up to the 1995 democratic election in South Africa, some evil atrocities were commited.One such evil deed was when American Amy Beale, a volunteer in South Africa was stoned to death in one of the townships of Cape Town. You can’t imagine the grief of her parents. But they eventually met and forgave the murderers of their daughter. They were able to forgive them. That seems impossible but they did. To show their forgiveness they set-up the Amy Bealle Foundation to help under privileged people in South Africa. And wait for it … they have even helped the people who murdered her. I met Linda Beale at the launching of the Desmond Tutu Diversity Trust. What an amazing human being. Full of love. No bitterness. No poison inside her. She said to me: ‘I am sure that this is what Amy would have wanted’. Peter & Linda are no longer victims but victors over the circumstances of what happened to their beloved daughter.

If Peter & Linda Beale could forgive in that miraculous way then so can you and I. If Peter & Linda could sit with us and talk about our experiences of pain in our circumstances, they would tell us emphatically: ‘forgive! Not for the perpetrator’s sake but for our own sake’!  

Google the Amy Beale Foundation for more about the work they are doing. Also have a look at the following website page on forgiveness mentioning the Beales’: www.firstparish.org/cms/sermons/805-forgiveness

The question is – how do we forgive? Firstly let’s look at what forgiveness is not.

People think that forgiveness is condoning or overlooking the actions of those who have perpetrated wrongs. To think this way is to misinterpret the meaning of forgiveness, justifying the reason to hold on to feelings such as anger, bitterness, resentment and desire to take revenge.

# Forgiveness is not excusing

   We excuse someone who is blameless for his or her actions. Those who       intentionally wrong others need to take the consequences of their behavior.

# Forgiveness is not reconciliation

   We can forgive without having to reconcile or even maintaining contact with the person being forgiven.

# Forgiveness is not tolerance

   Giving permission to continue hurtful behaviors is not what forgiveness is all about.

# Forgiveness is not forgetting or pretending that something did not happen

   This is denial. Whatever occurred did take place and we need to learn from it without holding on to the pain.

   At its most extreme, the feelings listed in the previous paragraph lead to murder and suicide. These are the ultimate actions of those consumed with negative feelings towards others or oneself.

People, who refuse to forgive, continuously live in the past. They hold on to hurt and pain as though it’s a precious mantle that must be preserved. In so doing they re-experience wrongdoings repeatedly and remain bound to something that has long since past.

Unwillingness to forgive creates emotional cripples, causing unhappiness and corroding peace of mind. Psychologists regard a lack of forgiveness as one of the main causes of psychological distress.

# Physical wellness   

Numerous studies have demonstrated a direct relationship between negative emotions and physical wellness.

In her breakthrough research, (which is documented in her book “Molecules of Emotion”) Dr. Candice Pert found that thoughts and feelings release, in the human body, hormones called neuro-peptides. These neuro-peptides enter the bloodstream and lock onto receptor cells of certain organs. Body parts, therefore, store emotions, which, if negative, will ultimately have a debilitating effect on one’s physical being.

The reason that an unforgiving spirit is so devastating is that it keeps one in an unrelieved state of turmoil, with emotional hurt and pain triggered off repeatedly. Again and again more and more negative emotions are stored in the body until a point is reached where organs become overloaded, requiring medical intervention. Such interventions, however, typically deal with symptoms rather than the cause.

There have been many studies that confirm the direct relationship between negative emotions and physical wellness. To name just one, a study published in the American Journal of Cardiology in August 1992 found direct unhealthy change in heart function brought on by anger. The authors found that hostile individuals were five times more likely to die at an early age than their peers who had learned to deal with their anger ( by forgiving others and themselves) The author recommended people resolve their anger to improve health.

# Spiritual wellbeing

   Forgiveness is one of the cornerstones of spiritual wellbeing. Every major religion declares that to come into the presence of the Creator (or whatever other names the Creator may be called) we are required to forgive.

There are six steps to forgiveness:

Step 1: Preparing to forgive

           Because forgiveness is consciously chosen, each person must be ready to release themselves from the burden of holding on to hurtful feelings.

To create conditions for readiness, understand what forgiveness is and what it is not. (See above)Then recognize that you are harming yourself mentally, physically and spiritually by refusing to let go of the past. Finally, do not expect to know why certain things happened. Simply accept that what took place happened and that it is history.

The choice now is to learn from the occurrence and either grow through it or to remain bound and unhappy because of it.

Step 2: Listing what needs to be forgiven

            There are two lists that need to be drawn up:

i)                   Things you have done (or not done) that you need to forgive yourself for; and

ii)                Things others have done that you need to forgive.

Step 3: Acknowledge your feelings

This step requires you to get in touch with your feelings. What specifically is behind the hurt? Are you experiencing anger, bitterness, frustration, resentment, vengefulness, hate, guilt, fear, shame or any other negative emotion? Write down your feelings, bearing in mind that many emotions may be linked to a single event.

Step 4: Recognize the part you played

            People often shift blame in an endeavour to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. Step 4 requires us to examine our actions and face our inadequacies.

Note however, that while it is important to admit our faults and take responsibility for our actions there are times that we are truly victims. Examples are women who are raped, children who are battered/ sexually molested, injured parties of traumatic incidents such as terrorism, hijackings and so on. For these and other tragic occurrences, recipients had no part to play in the event.

Step 5: Learn from the experience

            With the benefit of hindsight, consider what can be learned from the experience. In what ways has it made you a wiser, a more mature or a better person?

No matter how traumatic or painful the event may have been, some purpose can be served from it. Perhaps it has made you more compassionate towards the plight of others, maybe you discovered something about yourself, and it could be that the experience led in a certain direction, you might even have needed the encounter for a reason unique to you.

Step 6: Let go and forgive  

            Having ascertained what you have learned, and maybe even how you can       benefit from your experience, the event has served its purpose.

There is no longer any reason to hold on to the negative feelings so consciously and deliberately release them.

You might want to verbalize this by letting go of it by saying something like:

“I forgive _ _ _ _ _ _ (myself or the name of the person) for having _ _ _ _ _ _ (describe the deed). From this experience I have learned _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I can release my feelings of _ _ _ _ _ _ (name the negative feelings) knowing that they no longer serve me. I am wiser, more understanding person for my experience and let go with gratitude.

The Chinese have a lovely way of visible demonstrating that they have forgiven. They rub one hand on the other vigorously as if washing their hands and then they say out loud that they forgive the person or themselves. It is symbolical of letting go of the hurt.

Another helpful thing to do is to take the written list you made and to burn it or to bury it saying out aloud that you forgive the person or yourself.

Having freed yourself from the pain of hurtful experiences, feel yourself growing lighter, and more joyful. You are now able to get on with your life without the burden of stuck negative feelings.   

Note: My blogs are forming part of a book that I am writing. Please give me constructive honest feedback as to style, grammar, spelling and content. I would appreciate it.

Stay tuned for the next blog coming soon.

  

   









The Frog who became a King



The famous "stuttering" speech of King George the sixth

 Went to see a movie the other night – “The King’s Speech”. It is about Prince Albert who reluctantly becomes the King of Great Britain when his brother abdicates. Prince Edward married the twice divorced Wallis Simpson which disqualified him from remaining the King. King George the sixth had one major problem. He stammered badly. He found it difficult to speak a sentence without stammering. When you are a King that is not good! 

It got me thinking.

What is your “stammer”?  When we were born we had no “stammers”. In the first seven years, particularly after birth we were influenced by a number of people and institutions and experiences. The “stammer” may not be in your speech. Your “stammer” could be in some other area of your life. Through a painful experience you developed a “stammer” For example if you were molested sexually or beaten or not loved or in some way treated harshly by parents, siblings or your broader family etc.

Education plays a big part in our lives. Teachers can often make or break us. The environment or political situation into which we are born affects us. If you were born and raised in a “squatter” camp (The poverty – stricken areas in South Africa are called squatter camps), or a “trailer park” (In the USA), it will influence the way you see the world.

 In South Africa, the land of my birth, black people were treated as inferior under apartheid. Many grew up thinking they were inferior to whites. This is nonsense. Blacks are not inferior to anyone. In fact no one is inferior to another. We are all just different. We posses’ different intellects, talents and gifts but no one is inferior. Imagine the “stammer” you develop in that kind of environment.Thank goodness that in 1992 Nelson Mandela was released from prison. He had been there for 26 years.Then in 1995 elections were held and South Africa became a democratic country. However still today we feel the efects of the apartheid system in that some black people have this "stammer" of feeling inferior to white people to this day.



Nelson Mandela free at last

                                      

The media influences us. Even religion can give us a “stammer”.

My father used to say to me when I wanted money: “Do you think I am Rockefeller my boy?” My mother said: “Do you think money grows on trees”? My “stammer” about money developed. For a long time I thought that money was scarce. I developed a “money scarcity belief”. Money is not scarce. Money is always flowing even in a recession. It is just that a minority of people have it. The people with an abundance mentality have it. How do you view money? Whatever way you do, the chances are that it has become your reality.

 Prince Albert who became King George the sixth was fortunate to find someone who helped him to speak reasonable fluently. He was also the King’s one real male friend. He helped the King to overcome his lack of confidence. The man who helped him was an average man with no qualifications, position or money. He was a bit of a frog. Remember the fairytale where the Princess kisses the frog and he turns into a Prince? Well this was the opposite way around. A frog “kissed” a Prince and he became King! The Prince, when he was 5 years old developed his stammer.His father was very critical of Albert. One of his nannies was extremely harsh on him. They broke down his confidence in himself. Stammering is usually connected to a lack of confidence. 



When I was in Grade 8 at school I developed a “stammer”. Mrs. Stonier was my Mathematics teacher. From the moment she set eyes on me she didn’t like me. She asked me what my name was. I told her: “John Thomas Ms”. She laughed and said it was a really stupid name. In the English tradition “John Thomas” is another name for the part of a man’s anatomy! (My Father gave me the name for five reasons. 1. He was stupid.  2. He had not read “Sons and Lovers” by T.S. Elliot (This book used the name to refer to that part of the anatomy)  3. My uncle Johnny was killed in the Second World War and my father wanted me to have his name.  4. He had a sense of humor.  5. He wanted me to grow up with character.

Have you ever listened to the song by Johnny Cash entitled: “A boy named Sue”? That will give you insight into the “stammer” I held onto for many years.)

Mrs. Stonier continually called me stupid. Guess what I became ...stupid in mathematics. At the end of the first term, (January – March), I got the lowest mark ever for mathematics at that school. I got five percent. I attended a prestigious school which made it even worse. Do you know how useless you have to be to get that percentage? If you just write your name on the examination paper they give you five percent! I still hold the record I think.

Mrs. Stonier didn’t come back after the first term. I was relieved and extremely happy.

The first day of the second term we saw a prune faced man through the glass panes of the mathematics class door. It was Mr. Coventry. He was in his late seventies. It was difficult to find young mathematic teachers in those days. The class of boys thought that we were going to have real fun with him! He surprised us all. He was a kind and caring teacher. He asked my name. “John Thomas” I replied. The whole class laughed. When he heard it he said: “That is a nice name” From today your name will be “Tommy”. He knew that my name was embarrassing. He said that I looked liked a mathematician. The classed roared with laughter. He obviously hadn’t seen the marks! My “stammer” was a lack of self-belief.Mr.Coventry helped me to find that belief in myself again. He affirmed me and helped me with mathematics. At the end of the year my marks improved to such an extent that I came second in a class of twenty five. Mr. Coventry was my "princess" and he “kissed” me with kindness, care and his belief in me. I lost my “frogginess” and emerged from my murky pool of thinking I was stupid.§

The same year I was forced to stay with my brother who was thirteen years older than me. A lot happened that year! He was a mathematical wizard. He attended Syracuse University, New York. He came top of his class. So to him I was stupid. He physically beat me up for about six months whenever I didn’t do well at school. If I didn’t get up early enough he threw a bucket of water over my head in bed. My self-esteem became another “stammer”. (Write more of this in the next article on “Forgiveness”)

The question is what is your “stammer”? It’s never too late to change from being a frog living in a murky pool to being a Prince in a castle.

How do you do it? Need help?

Here are a few ideas:

1. Maybe look at the new school of psychology for some help – Neuro - Linguistic -Programming. NLP says that you can change and you can change fast. It says that it isn’t about your past but about the now and the future. NLP says that you need to insert new software into your brain. Google Paul McKenna and watch this technique at work in bringing about change.

2. Read books like – “Awaken the Giant within” by Anthony Robins, “The NLP Coach” by Ian McDermott & Wendy Jago,”The Breakthrough Experience” by Dr. John F. Demartini, “Frogs into Princes”  by Richard Bandler & John Grinder, “Feel the Fear & do it anyway” by Susan Jeffers to mention a few.

3. Challenge the inner critic all the time. The voice of a teacher, a parent or a sibling etc in your head. Most of it is rubbish. Don’t allow these people to live rent free in your head! Observe you’re self-talk. Are you continually negative about yourself? Put an end to this kind of self-talk. Be kind to yourself.

4. Forgive yourself and others.

5. Find a mentor or coach for your life. Someone you can trust to help you find your path in life. Someone to give you honest feedback about yourself.

6. Get counselling. Find a professional counselor who you can relate to.   

Do not go through your life living with your “stammer”. Do something about it. Feel the fear and do it anyway!

7. Live in the present. Let go of the past. It is history and you can’t change it. However you can affect the future by what you do today.

Stay tuned for – “How to forgive”