How to be a Self-Leader

Leadership is predominately looked at from the perspective of a company or 

a team but relatively rarely as self-leadership.The fact is that everyone is a self-leader to a lesser or greater degree.

From the moment we are born we exercise leadership by crying when we have some need like

hunger or thirst.We are wired to be self-leaders.

Have you ever witnessed a child asking a parent for an ice cream? In England they

still have the ice cream van playing some irritating tune over and over. A few years ago I witnessed a little boy running out onto the street shouting: “ it’s   the ice cream man “ over and over again until one of his parents came outside. He then asked, pleaded and begged for an ice cream until his parent’s relented!  He 

got what he wanted in the end. What a self-leader! The problem is that parents are often led by their children instead of being the leaders of their children.

The trouble is that as we grow older we become negative about our abilities. 

Most people get conditioned to believe that we can’t get what we want. 

We hear the word ‘no’ many more times than we hear the word ‘yes’ in our first 7 years.

This happens through our parents and other significant well-meaning people.They influence

us so that we lose our confidence and start to doubt ourselves. 

Interesting that Jewish children generally grow up with a better self-esteem than

other population groups.( Self-Esteem means how we feel about ourselves in all areas of

who we are.Can be called self-belief) This happens because their parents believe their children 

can do anything. In Germany during the late 1930s there were more professional people among the

Jewish population, per-capita, than any other population group.This of course made the Nazis mad!

In South Africa, Indian children are raised in a similar way to the Jewish people.Per-capita the Indian population make up more of the proffessional and successful business people in South Africa than any other population group.

   

Some people are born with more self-leadership than other people.Beginning when we are young we either lead ourselves or others lead us.However someone must lead us.So it is important to be self lead.Teenagers under peer pressure often get addicted to drugs, alcohol or some other addiction. They get led by someone else instead of being self-leaders and leading themselves.They allow someone else or something else to lead them to self-destruction. The Nazis during the 2nd world war are an outstanding example of people being led by evil people and then ending up in destruction.

The fact is that you can develope your self-leadership. Start by not following the crowd! Be a self-leader.

                                                                                                     

Stay tuned for the next blog coming soon

How to Handle Criticism

Nobody likes to be criticized. However we can grow in the process.

I don’t know about you but I want to grow. It is emotionally unintelligent not to listen Criticism is described as ‘fault-finding or reasoned analysis and assessment’ in the carefully to criticism.
Chambers 21^st century dictionary. Criticism is really just feedback about an aspect of
our lives. Either you can allow it to destroy you or you can use it to develop yourself.

We need to look at how we give criticism, as well as how we handle it.

Criticism is often motivated by anger. Resulting in the other person’s response being either one of defense or attack. One of the reasons why criticism is so distressing is that we are naturally inclined to view it as being negative, e.g. “He wants to put me down”

Although nobody likes to be criticized, you can grow in the process. If you are aware of how others perceive the things you do and how they feel about it, then you can change your behavior and become more effective.

First let’s look at how we treat ourselves. The person that you are most critical of is yourself. Is this true or false about you?

This is known as the “inner critic”. This is the worst critic you will ever encounter. This can have a devastating effect on your emotions and self-esteem. For example when you make a mistake, consider the tone of voice and the words you use when you talk to yourself. (Self-talk)  Do you say, "great, another learning experience of how not to do it!”. Or is it something more like, “you stupid idiot, you really messed up this time!”  Or “you see you never learn!” Just because you have a voice in your head does not mean you have to listen to it! It is the voice from the past. Our Father or Mother or a sibling or a teacher or someone who had influence or authority over us often live in our heads and continually criticize us. We allow them to stay rent free in our heads! You need to immediately evict them!

When you do something “wrong”. Let’s say you fail an exam. Don’t say, “You are so stupid!” Say instead, “It’s not like me to fail anymore. Obviously I didn’t study enough or study smart enough. I will do very well next time”. Apply this to all the areas that you are very critical of yourself. Don’t beat yourself up. There are enough people who will attempt to beat you up unjustly with their criticism! However remember you can learn from all types of criticism.

Criticism that comes from the outside.

 It is important that we change our perception regarding criticism. The goal of criticism is to develop you, educate you, motivate and improve you. It helps us to overcome our fear of criticism if we adopt an affirmation such as: “Constructive criticism helps to improve me and allows me to grow” Put this affirmation on a Post-it sticker where you can read it on a daily basis, to assist in conditioning yourself to believe in the power of constructive, positive criticism. Another good way to change negative perceptions regarding criticism is to ask a trusted friend from time to time: “How can I improve”?

How to receive criticism

We need to realize that criticism often contains valuable information which can help us. It is also important to accept responsibility for what has been said to us, rather than become defensive. Remember that, although the criticism may in fact be based on a misperception, the other person no doubt perceives it to be reality. We, therefore, need to first accept responsibility if we are to change the perception he or she has of the situation.

Receiving critism constructively requires that we:

1. Recognise that critism can be a learning experience on the way to building better relationships, whether in a marriage or within a work environment or other areas of your life.      

2. Remain calm. I know this is easier said than done! But it can be done if you train your mind. Maybe have a look at Neuro Linguistic Programming for this.

3. Listen first, and then speak.

4. Do not become defensive.

5. Show your willingness to change.

6. Apologize sincerely when you are wrong. (The emphasis being on sincerely).

The Johari’s window model will help us to see that if we disclose ourselves (make ourselves vulnerable) and receive feedback (criticism) then we will grow into the ‘hidden’ part of ourselves that contains immense potential. So criticism can only benefit us and help us grow into this untapped potential. 

Have a look at Ingham and Luft’s models below:

These models represent the different areas of your inner world.

The Open to the world area -self knows about this area and so does the world.

The Blind area - known to others and hidden to self.

The Unknown area - our  pure potential - as we disclose ourselves
and get feedback we are able to discover our limitless potential.

The Private area.Known to self but hidden from the world.

The more you ask people for constructive criticism - self- disclosure - in whatever area you want to improve in, the more you will grow into the unknown area.

If you receive feedback positively then you will grow as a person into your unknown potential and become a better person or improve in some area of your life.

Remember nobody has all the truth. At best we know only 10% (this is generous) of all reality!

Stayed tuned for the next blog

Have a look at my last blog on 'The Power of Forgiveness'