Seize the Day

In the movie clip above, in the wonderful film "Dead Poet's Society",  Robin Williams takes his students into the foyer of the school and talks to them about seizing every opportunity in life. He uses the photographs on the wall of  previous ancient students to make the point that we are not going to get out of this life alive. 

In one hundred years from now ninety nine percent of us will be dead and buried or burned. Sobering thought. Our bodies left behind as we enter a new dimension. (see my previous blog re - the best five minutes of our lives and the next best five minutes)

We come from nothing and we go to nothing. What I mean is that we didn't have our present bodies before conception and we won't have them after death. I watched "Ghost" recently (can you believe it that after all this time I finally watched it. The premier was in 1990!) The movie portrayed this transition from life through death to life very well. I have no more fear of death. OK maybe a little! It really is the fear of the unknown I guess.

The book, "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" by Mitch Albom is a lovely book about this transition. It is not a religious book by the way. It is an excellent read.

Mitch wrote another book entitled "Tuesdays with Morrie".  Morrie is dying and Mitch sees him every Tuesday. They talk about the process of death. Morrie decides to have a celebration with all his family and friends just before he dies. They all bring something to share. Some read poetry, others tell stories of Morrie's life, others thank Morrie for something, some ask for forgiveness from Morrie, some forgive Morrie, some say a prayer out loud and others play music that Morrie loved. They laugh, they sing, they cry and best of all they love unconditionally. That is what we should do instead of having a funeral where we say 'nice' things about the person after they are dead. Why don't we do it now, while they are alive?

I was at a funeral today. As I looked at the coffin I became aware that I would one day be in it! Or rather my body would. I will be free from the restrictions of my body, soaring with the Angels in the presence of Him/Her. Free from all my conditioning, all my failure, all my mistakes, all my pain. I will be in a new dimension of unconditional love and unconditional  love and unconditional  love. New life yipppppppeeeeee!

Don't misunderstand me, I love this life and I have a lot of spiritual growing to do and things to achieve and relationships to get right. So I'm not going right now D.V.

Have you thought about that?  One day ... not maybe...not possibily. Sooner or later it will happen to all of us. Whether you are good, bad or ugly. Believe me -  it is going to happen. Are you ready?  Do you appreciate loved ones and friends now?  It's too late when you are at their funeral. That only leads to regret and remorse. It is too late when you or they are dead.

Carpe Diem - Seize the Day!  We only have today. Do you need to make a phone call, or write an e-mail, or write an old fashioned letter or go and see someone to ask for forgiveness or to forgive? Do you need to start loving someone unconditionally today? Then do it!

Are you afraid travel, to find a new job, to go back to study, to change your life positively, to get out of your rut, to do things differently or to feed the poor?  Seize the day and do it or make plans to do it.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross says in her book: "On Death and Dying" that there are only three things that we can take with us. Love for God. Love for others and love for ourselves. Maybe you need to forgive yourself today.Maybe someone else? Whatever they have done to you,will it matter in a hundred years time or when they are dead?  Leave it to the Creator. He/She, (The Creator)  knows all about that persons complete life. He/She knows what made them do what they did. He/She knows the conditioning of the person, their struggles and their pain. You probably only know the tip of the iceberg of that persons life. Maybe you need to ask Him/Her for forgiveness. Don't wait another moment! Today is the day!

Carpe Diem!

Stay tuned for the next blog.
Please let me know if the articles are helpful. Also please feel free to request that I write on some topic.

The Most Exciting Five Minutes of Your Life?

What were the most exciting five minutes in your life? What were the most breath-taking,exhilarating,emotion - producing three hundred seconds of your life?

There is a good chance that if you were able to remember them, the most exciting five minutes of life would be the very first five.

After nine months of darkness and isolation, you discover through a traumatic experience that there is a whole world out there, full of colors,tastes,sounds,sensations, and other people.You have entered a realm beyond your wildest imaginings.If you could talk then, you might have said: "Mom, I had no idea.I actually had reservations about leaving the womb with my own pool and food whenever I wanted it. But this a  much better arrangement.I wouldn't have missed this for anything"

If those first few minutes after birth were indeed  the most exciting five minutes of your life, it has been downhill from there.But even that is nothing compared to what is to come.

I believe that the most amazing five minutes you will ever experience will be the first five minutes after you die. 

Think about that!

For centuries, the brightest minds on earth have devoted whole lifetimes to try to penetrate the veil and learn what lies on the otherside of death. ( A good book is: "Death and Dying" by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross)
Five minutes after you die, you will know.You will experience whatever lies beyond this world.

Think about it! 

Here is a sobering and at the same time funny video:

... And this one ... you never know when!

Stayed tuned for the next blog  

Understanding Assertiveness

"Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,

  Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,

  All the kings horses and all the kings men couldn’t put Humpty     

  together  again”

 This old English nursery  rhymn  is a good model to use.It will help us to understand the three behaviors we can adopt. These are  assertive, non-assertive and aggressive. (This model was developed by Riaan Rabe).

We are like Humpty Dumpty sitting on a wall. Our wall is the wall of relationships. When we behave in negative ways we fall off the wall of relationships. It then becomes difficult to climb back onto the wall. It is possible to climb back up, but it takes a long time.

        

Let’s think about Humpty Dumpty. He is an egg. Most eggs are cracked. Most of us have cracks through the negative experiences of life or basic floors in our personalities. The cracks could even have been caused by the early social conditioning that I spoke about on the 27/02/2011

Because of these cracks we behave in certain ways in our relationships. The same applies to whether I’m assertive, non-assertive or aggressive. It is true that some people are just by nature more placid and non-assertive or more balanced and assertive or more angry and  aggressive as a result.

When Humpty Dumpty is non-aggressive he falls off the wall of relationships. He leans to the one extreme and falls. He becomes an ‘easy-over’ egg. In fact people add salt, pepper and ketchup to taste with these non-assertives. These people often become doormats. They also can become passive-aggressive. They don’t stand up openly to anyone but they undermine and are negative behind the back of the person. Even if you are by nature non-assertive it is essential that you develop some assertiveness so that you don’t end up frustrated and unhappy. These people get ulcers!

If Hump Dumpty leans to the extreme side and  is  aggressive, then he falls off the wall. He becomes an extremely ‘hard-boiled’ egg. Few people  like these kind of eggs. They would rather run than eat them. These people are often lonely and unhappy people. They give ulcers!

Balance in life is the key to happy and harmonious relationships.

Therefore if Humpty Dumpty is balanced by being assertive without being non-assertive or aggressive he won’t fall off the wall. Assertive people say what they feel. They stand up for their rights without violating the rights of others. They think of other people’s feelings and goals as well as their own. Non-assertives just give in to the goals and feelings of others. Assertives don’t fall off the wall. It becomes a win/win situation. We are not dominated and the relationship is kept intact.

Building assertiveness and confidence is probably easier than you think. ’Non-assertive’ people, do not generally want to transform into being dominant people. However it is important to move more to the middle and become more assertive so that you don't become a door mat.


Assertion

* Standing up for your own rights in a way that you don't violate another person's rights.
* Expressing your needs, wants, opinions, feelings and beliefs in direct, honest and appropriate ways.

Non-Assertion

* Failing to stand up for your rights or doing so in a way that others can easily disregard them.
* Expressing your needs, wants, opinions, feelings and beliefs in apologetic/diffident/self - effacing ways.
* Failing to express honestly your needs, wants, opinions, feelings and beliefs.

Aggression

* Standing up for your own rights, but doing so in a way that you violate the rights of other people.
* Ignoring/dismissing the needs, wants,opinions,feelings or beliefs of others.
* Expressing your own needs,wants & opinions ( which may be honest or dishonest ) in inappropriate
   ways.


This of course is destructive and dishonest and doesn't grow any relationship positively.Often this is not acknowledged as this kind of person appears to be so innocent.However they are just as dangerous in this mode as aggressive behaviour.


What we have to do if we are to have good relationships is move to a more balanced position.A good book to read if you are non-assertive is: "Feel the fear and do it anyway" by Susan Jeffers.For help on becoming less aggressive go to http://www.answers.com/ Ask for "becoming less aggressive" 

I will write an article in the future on communication - so stay tuned.

  

Are you Assertive?

Note: Sorry no new blogs - I have been conducting training over the last few days and it has been hectic.

Here is a  psychometric "test" to see how assertive you are.

Tick the appropriate column.

                                                                                          Yes      Don’t know     No

      1.If your meal in a restaurant was

   was not to your liking, would you

   complain?

2.Are you afraid of persons in authority?

3.Would you refuse a suggestion

   that you should stand for chair

   of  a club?

4.If the telephone rang just as you were going out,
  would you tell the caller to ring later?  

5.Would you complain if your wine had a small
piece of cork in it?

6.If a neighbour asked to borrow your mower,
would you refuse?

7.If an appliance went wrong,would you
complain to head office,even if it was repaired?

8.You are trying to diet and you are given
a box of choclates.Would you eat them?

9.If you are kept waiting at the doctor's surgery,
would you complain?

10.A local cat digs up your garden flowers.
Would you complain?

11.If the dog next door kept on barking,
would you object?

12.If you are not happy about your car repairs would
you complain to the garage?

13.Would you object to a passenger smoking on a non-smoking train?

14.Do you find it difficult to take advice from other people?

15.If a salesperson was not attentive to your request, would you complain?


Scoring instructions

          Yes       Don't know       No

1.       2           1                       0

2.       0           1                       2

3.       2           1                       0

4.       2           1                       0

5.       2           1                       0

6.       2           1                       0

7.      2            1                       0

8.     0             1                       2

9.     2             1                       0

10.   2             1                       0

11.   2             1                       0

12.   2             1                       0

13.   2             1                       0

14.   2             1                       0

15.   2             1                       0

Scoring analysis

26 - 30      Exceedingly assertive

22-25        Assertive

18 - 21     Slightly assertive

13 - 17     Mild

9 - 12      Very mild

5 - 8        Placid

0 - 4        Very placid


In the next blog I will share how you can increase your assertiveness or if  necessary decrease it.

Stay tuned

The man I will never forget

Geoffrey Woomazonkwe is a man you meet and never forget.I first met him in 1976 in Beaufort West,South Africa.

Beaufort West is a "one horse town." It has a population of about 45000 people.Merino sheep farming is the main "industry" in the region.Most things are geared around farming.The other source of revenue for the town is the passing traffic.It is a good stop over town for travellors between Cape Town and Johanesburg in the north.Petrol and diesel is big business.As a result Beaufort West has a lot of filling stations.

It was at the Trek service station that I met Geoffrey.He was one of the petrol attendants.In South Africa customers are served at the filling stations.This is unlike most other parts of the world where customers help themselves.The oil is checked,the windscreen washed and the tank filled by the petrol attendants.In Afrikaans,(one of the eleven official languages in SA),they are called "petrol jockeys." It is not the best of jobs.However it helps with unemploment in SA.

You couldn't miss Geoffrey.He is a short portly man with a wide smile,piercing eyes and endless energy.The first time he served me he impressed me deeply with his fantastic attitude.Eventually we became friends.One day I arrived at the filling station to find Geoffrey had been promoted to the supervisor of eight other petrol attendents.I wasn't surprised.I found him sitting in a tiny elevated cubicle on the driveway.He held the cash and had to take the money from his team and write a receipt.It was in the days when there no computers or convient shops at the filling stations in SA.

He was a good supervisor.His team respected him and "caught" his good attitude.As a result the filling station was popular.He was always on time although he had to walk a long way to work.Black townships were built far out of the towns and cities on purpose,to keep the races apart.He was always neat and tidy and clean.Remarkable considering that they shared a water tap with fifty other families.

Somehow Geoffrey always cheered me up if I was a bit low.It was remarkable seeing that he was a black South African with little rights and considered a second class citizen in his own country.I belonged to the privileged white class. I had received a superior education while he was schooled with Bantu education.(Bantu was the name for black people in those dark days.) Bantu education was inferior to the white population's education.It was designed that way,to keep black people down and in their place.

Geoffrey invited me for dinner a few times.It was virtually unheard of in those days for a white person to  go into a black "squatter" camp.The only whites who went into black townships were security police."Squatter" camps are similar to trailer parks in the USA,except that  trailer parks in the US are luxury by comparison! I must admit to being a bit nervous.Townships were a dangerous place to be especially for a white person after dark and after the rising up of the black and coloured youth that year in protest against "apartheid." The outside of his shack was squalid but the inside of his home was spotless.I had many happy tasty meals with him and his family.The way they lived spoke volumes of the great attitude Geoffrey has.

I was surprised to discover one day that Geoffrey was studying an academic law book in his little elevated cubical office on the driveway.He had enrolled at the University of South Africa (UNISA) to study for a law degree.UNISA was the only world class university that black people could enroll with in those days of segregation.It is largely a correspondence university with over a 100,000 students all over the world.
Geoffrey had to first upgrade his Bantu education to a "white" education in order to enroll at UNISA.He did this through correspondence as well.It took him four years.All this in his early thirties.

Geoffrey is now a fine attorney in Beaufort West.He lives in a prestigious area now that "apartheid" has been dismantled.He still has the same smile and the same terrific attitude.Often he defends clients who can't afford to pay him.He hasn't forgotten where he came from and believes that giving your life away creates purpose,happiness and fulfillment.

What a man.You are my hero Geoffrey.

Several years ago, an experiment was performed at a school in the San Francisco Bay area.A principle called in three teachers and said,"Because you three teachers are the finest in the system and have the greatest expertise,we're going to give you ninety selected high-IQ students.We are going to let you move these students through this next year at their pace and see how much they can learn."

The three faculty members,the students,and the student's parents thought it was great idea.And they especially enjoyed the school year.By the time school ended, the students had achieved from 20 to 30 percent more than the other students in the entire San Francisco Bay area.

At the end of the year, the principal called all three teachers and said to them,"I have a confession to make.You did not have ninety of the most intellectually prominent students.They were run-of-the-mill students.We took ninety students at random from the system and gave them to you."

The teachers naturally concluded that their exceptional teaching skills must have been responsible for the student's great progress.

"I have another confession," said the principle."You're not the brightest of the teachers.Your names were the three drawn from a hat"

Why, then did the students and teachers perform at such an exceptional level for an entire year? The answer can be found in their attitudes.They had an attitude of positive expectation -the teachers and students believed in themselves and one another.They performed well because they believed they could.

James Allen said, " The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitude."

Have you ever tried on someone else's sunglasses? Of course! Things often look strange.Colours are different, some sunglasses make the world more grey,others bring out the green,making the scenery look stunning.Attitude is similar ... it is your sunglasses in life.You may choose to see the best in the situation or the worst.This is powerful and will have an incredible impact on how far you get in life.

Attitude is the way you respond to concepts,situations,to people and yourself.It is how you think in any given situation.Please read my example re-flying in my previous post.

Consider the story of Geoffrey again.Why did he get where he is today against all the odds? Attitude! As simple as that.If life is like a card game then Geoffrey got a stinking hand.But he played it skillfully by having a great attitude.He believed in himself and in others even in the terrible days of "apartheid"

Look again at the story of the teachers and students.What was the overarching attitude? It was positive.Both the students and the teachers believed in their own worth and ability and expected great things.

How is your attitude? Tell me and I will tell you how you are doing in your life.

Watch this short video clip and see how the ballgirl shows up the professional with her 'can do' attitude

                                                         

Do you have this kind of attitude or do you have the attitude of the ballgirl? The attitude you have will determine how you feel about yourself, how others will feel about you and what impact you will make on the world.



"Events are less important than our responses to them" John Hersey

Stayed tuned and see you soon