Understanding Assertiveness

"Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,

  Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,

  All the kings horses and all the kings men couldn’t put Humpty     

  together  again”

 This old English nursery  rhymn  is a good model to use.It will help us to understand the three behaviors we can adopt. These are  assertive, non-assertive and aggressive. (This model was developed by Riaan Rabe).

We are like Humpty Dumpty sitting on a wall. Our wall is the wall of relationships. When we behave in negative ways we fall off the wall of relationships. It then becomes difficult to climb back onto the wall. It is possible to climb back up, but it takes a long time.

        

Let’s think about Humpty Dumpty. He is an egg. Most eggs are cracked. Most of us have cracks through the negative experiences of life or basic floors in our personalities. The cracks could even have been caused by the early social conditioning that I spoke about on the 27/02/2011

Because of these cracks we behave in certain ways in our relationships. The same applies to whether I’m assertive, non-assertive or aggressive. It is true that some people are just by nature more placid and non-assertive or more balanced and assertive or more angry and  aggressive as a result.

When Humpty Dumpty is non-aggressive he falls off the wall of relationships. He leans to the one extreme and falls. He becomes an ‘easy-over’ egg. In fact people add salt, pepper and ketchup to taste with these non-assertives. These people often become doormats. They also can become passive-aggressive. They don’t stand up openly to anyone but they undermine and are negative behind the back of the person. Even if you are by nature non-assertive it is essential that you develop some assertiveness so that you don’t end up frustrated and unhappy. These people get ulcers!

If Hump Dumpty leans to the extreme side and  is  aggressive, then he falls off the wall. He becomes an extremely ‘hard-boiled’ egg. Few people  like these kind of eggs. They would rather run than eat them. These people are often lonely and unhappy people. They give ulcers!

Balance in life is the key to happy and harmonious relationships.

Therefore if Humpty Dumpty is balanced by being assertive without being non-assertive or aggressive he won’t fall off the wall. Assertive people say what they feel. They stand up for their rights without violating the rights of others. They think of other people’s feelings and goals as well as their own. Non-assertives just give in to the goals and feelings of others. Assertives don’t fall off the wall. It becomes a win/win situation. We are not dominated and the relationship is kept intact.

Building assertiveness and confidence is probably easier than you think. ’Non-assertive’ people, do not generally want to transform into being dominant people. However it is important to move more to the middle and become more assertive so that you don't become a door mat.


Assertion

* Standing up for your own rights in a way that you don't violate another person's rights.
* Expressing your needs, wants, opinions, feelings and beliefs in direct, honest and appropriate ways.

Non-Assertion

* Failing to stand up for your rights or doing so in a way that others can easily disregard them.
* Expressing your needs, wants, opinions, feelings and beliefs in apologetic/diffident/self - effacing ways.
* Failing to express honestly your needs, wants, opinions, feelings and beliefs.

Aggression

* Standing up for your own rights, but doing so in a way that you violate the rights of other people.
* Ignoring/dismissing the needs, wants,opinions,feelings or beliefs of others.
* Expressing your own needs,wants & opinions ( which may be honest or dishonest ) in inappropriate
   ways.


This of course is destructive and dishonest and doesn't grow any relationship positively.Often this is not acknowledged as this kind of person appears to be so innocent.However they are just as dangerous in this mode as aggressive behaviour.


What we have to do if we are to have good relationships is move to a more balanced position.A good book to read if you are non-assertive is: "Feel the fear and do it anyway" by Susan Jeffers.For help on becoming less aggressive go to http://www.answers.com/ Ask for "becoming less aggressive" 

I will write an article in the future on communication - so stay tuned.